I'm a big Yael Yuzon fan, and you could just imagine my glee when I learned that they'll be coming here for the Globe Night of the Musikahan sa Tagum. I've been waiting for this moment ever since I became a fan. I know it's not a big deal for others, but for me who lives in this almost God-forsaken place, it's a treat to see your favorite artist live.
I'm feeling pretty down today. Rainy days makes me sad, dunno why. Maybe because on my opinion, rainy days feels so gloomy and raindrops resemble tears.
The car absolutely look familiar. It was a white Toyota model, I couldn't just remember what it's called. But I knew that kind of shine in the wheels, the exact tint shades... And I was right.
I was on my way home on that late afternoon. Besides the tiring mood I was in, the weather didn't seem very kind to me because I felt it was icy cold as if it is going to rain. The distance was quite a shot, but I opted not to take a cab or a jeep because I felt like drinking the droplets of rain on my face. After all the stress in school, I needed all the time to refresh.
But amidst the depth of my thoughts, I saw that familiar white car. So I left my subdued frustrations and went back to reality. I asked myself where did I see that car before… The driver was waiting for the gasoline boy to give him his change. “He” I knew that he was a “he” because of his stripped polo and crumpled short hair – which were all together too familiar. I stopped on my tracks and walked closer to the car. “This feels funny I thought to myself, “I’m actually going to that car just because my memory failing me. Am I too old? Why couldn’t I remember where I saw that car!!! I was 10 feet from the car when the driver went out and crumpled his hair more. He seemed to be counting his change and even from a distance I heard him say, “ Hey I think you got my change wrong…” He took his shades off and walked to the counter. In full view, I felt my heart stop beating – now I know why the car, the wheels, the polo shirt, and messy hair combined were all too familiar. I knew who “he” was. He was my ex-boyfriend Michael..
Yeah it was Michael alright. I’m usually a healthy person but I thought I was going to have a heart attack that very moment I saw his face. After a year this is him now – the same outfit, the same hair, the same tired eyes and the same car he used to take me home with. He wore the same shade every time we went out to take some sunlight. Everything seemed the way it was a year ago when it was still “us”. The only difference is that he wa not wearing the silver ring that I gave him for our last monthsary.
I took a big gulp of air, hoping it would clear my lungs and took several steps towards the car. “ What the hell am I thinking?! “Shayne just get out of here and go home. Just pretend you didn’t see him! But my feet continue with long strides toward the gasoline mini-mart. I pretended to be interested in buying some chocolates donuts and intentionally walked across him Only about 10 inches away. So he glanced.
“Shayne …Ano…. Baket… Saan…. Saan ka galling? Kumusta na?” He was more shocked than I was. He looked at me from head to foot. I didn’t dress up for the occasion – I didn’t know I was going to see him in the first place. No I was not wearing my off-shoulder blouse and skirt.
“Ah wala … bibili lang sana ako ng donuts, Mike. Sige uuwi na kasi ako, gabi na…” I reached for the donut and went to the cashier. He followed me and paid for my bill. “Hatid na kita Shayne? Dun din naman ako pupunta…” I tokk in another big gulp of air. Cold sweat trickled down my cheek. “ Naku! Wag na Mike, alam mo pumunta ka na lang sa dapat mong puntahan, okey lang ako promise.!” Without thinking, I took a huge bite from the donut and chewed hard.The truth was I was so nervous that I wanted to bite all my fingers and shake my knees. “ Ano ka ba gabi na , mahirap maglakad ng ganitong oras, ihahatid na kita. Wag ka nang umangal.” With that he opened the passenger’s seat door and motioned me to hop in. “This is going to be one long trip … “ I thought to myself.
There was just silence. I felt that I was soaking with sweat, thinking how and what could I say to break the silence. He had his radio on. “He listens to the same type of music.,” I said to myself. “Kelan ka gra-graduate, Shayne.” He finally asked. “Next month na , Mike. Excited na nga ako eh.” I lied. The thing is, I never thought of graduation anyway. I didn’t want to linger on leaving school. I’d miss everything about in UP.. “Ang bilis ng oras no, Shayne..Parang kelan lang…” He got lost with what he really wanted to say. I knew why. He was talking about “us”. Oh no I’m not going to talk about that. Not in the next million years.
I changed our pacing. “Ano balak mo, Mike?””Hmmm…. hindi ko pa sure eh. Ang dami kasing nangyari… Na di ko innaasahan. Nalunod na ko sa trabaho. Hirap nga eh… Ang hirap ng walang inaasahang baon sa magulang!” He laughed almost sarcastically but I sensed the disappointment in his voice. “Is there something wrong?” I attempted. “Wala…I’m perfectly fine..”
We reached the Kalayaan Intersection, and we were welcomed by the unmoving traffic. Oh boy, it was practically the longest trip of my life. The music continued, as if knowing we were listening.”How do I live? By Trisha Yearwood was playing. I wanted to kick the darn radio and get out of the car but I struggled to calm down and be as nonchalant as possible. Showing signs of reaction will make Mike think that I’m still affected by what happened between us. It was hard enough knowing that he had someone else when we were already steady for 7 months. After that I didn’t give him a chance to explain himself. I was already blinded by the fact that he cheated, and nothing made me talk to him again. Until that moment..
“Kumusta ka na?” Michael asked again. “Kumusta ka na Shayne? Ang tagal kita hindi nakita… Ano na ang pinagkakaabalahan mo ngayon?” “Wala naman… Ganoon pa rin, hindi namna ako nagbago. Abala lang ako sa graduation. Marami kasing projects ngayon, tsaka tinatapos ko ang thesis ko.” I breathed. “E ikaw Mike kumusta ka naman?” He replied with an odd silence. He let the song finish before uttering another word. The song felt as if it was suffocating me inside the car; it made me feel trapped. “Okey naman ako, Shayne. Medyo pagod lang..Pero aaminin kong malungkot ako ngayon…” Something in what he said didn’t sound right. How could I be sitting here with the guy who lied to me and told me I was the one he loved most and not some girl named Michelle? Disgusting things plagued me, but nothing escaped my lips. I wasn’t in the mood to nag anybody. Michael went on “Siguro it’s meant to be na magkita tayo ngayon Shayne..Alam mo … aalam mo na-miss kita…?” Another odd silence followed. I thought someone punched me right in the chest, I couldn’t breathe. Why is this man telling me these? Why is he sounding as if he deserves my pity? No … this is not right. I better get out of this darn car and just walk home. But I remained in my seat and glued my eyes on the vendors outside. I pretended not to hear anything but something about what he said wanted me to cry. But why cry? This guy hurt me. This guy deserves no pity. He wentt on barely with soft whispers , “Shayne? Sa isang buong taon o higit pa pinigilan ko ang sarili kong makipagkita ulit sayo dahil alam kong nasaktan kita … Wala akong mukhang maiharap sayo … Naaalala mo pa ba Shayne nung …” I didn’t let him say another word. “Oo naaalala ko pa lahat, “ I butted in. The conversation sounded so wrong , that I didn’t want to hear any apologies. What for? Harm has been done and there’s nothing he can do to mend things. I just wanted to move on with my life. The years that passed was a blessing to me - it gave me enough time to heal, more or less. And seeing him that day was simply not something I wished for. Maybe it really was meant for us to meet.
Ten minutes wore away and I kept silent. I didn’t want him to know what is going on in my head. I didn’t want him to know that for a year, I’ve been wanting to be with him too, ask him why did he do that, what did I do to deserve being cheated at, how did Michelle look like, was she prettier than me, how long were they together, did he date me before or after her…
“Sa isang buong taon, ginusto kong kausapin ka, magpaliwanag, sabihin kung gano kita kamahal at kung gano kita na-miss…Ginusto kong makipagkita pero napangunahan ako ng hiya..” This time I looked at him straight in the eye. Did he read my thoughts? Why was he talking as if he knew what I wanted to hear? The traffic was getting worse. “Lord why did you make today a Saturday? You know how awful traffic is here on Saturday night!” I concluded that God did it on purpose.
Another odd silence passed, this time it lasted for maybe 20 minutes. I felt like sleeping. The car usually felt like home to me. It had really comfy leather seats where you can just doze off. I felt my eyes closed for a few seconds and my body felt more relaxed...
“Shayne, I still love you...”
I thought a bomb from Iraq exploded in my head. What did he just say? Did he say he still loved me?”HA? Anong sabi mo?” I didn’t want to sound stupid, but I had just had to confirm what I just heard.
“Shayne … mahal naman kita hindi naman nagbago un. Hinanap kita, pero nung nakita ulit, nawalan na ko ng lakas ng loob na humarap sayo. Napangunahan na ko ng hiya. Nahihiya ako sayo…. Pero ang totoo, mahal na mahal pa rin kita, hanggang ngayon…” I didn’t say a thing. I knew he was waiting for a reply but I uttered not a single word. I left the silence between us and went on with my own thoughts. If he did loved me, why did he cheated? Why did he make me feel as if I was just an old rag, which needed immediate replacement? Amidst with my thoughts, I realized we were already halfway to our house. There were a lot of things we needed to discuss, but a voice in my head insisted that there isn’t really much to talk about verbally. Michael cheated on me, and that was enough to end our relationship. Nothing - not even the “I love you too’s” and red roses he often gave me – can make me forgive him. How can I just smile and move on with the same man who made me cry like a river? Snapshots of our past slowly appeared in my head at full length. The nights Michael used to walk me home, accompanied me to the grand ball, watch corny movies with me, sang song at Encore, learned to play the guitar because he wanted to compose something for me, visited me in the hospital when I was diagnosed with potential anemia, and even went out at 12 midnight to buy me a bouquet of roses on the eve of our monthsary. .. When I opened my eyes, I suddenly realized the car was already parked at the corner of our house. All I heard was the soft sounds of crickets and nestling leaves of the trees nearby.
I froze. Finally, God heard my wish. I’m finally home and I can say goodbye to this man. I can go straight to my room and open a book or two finished my untapped thesis drafts and iron my clothes for tomorrow. I can finally begin with my errands... but I lay motionless in my seat. Something made me want to stay – with him. Something inside my heart told me it’s happiness once again to feel him beside me. All the hatred I felt before disappeared - I was rummaging for that anger to rouse, but all I felt in my heart – was love.
Yes. I was still in love with him too. I wanted to say “I love you too “again but even my lips forgotten what those words meant – or if they ever existed in the first place. I wanted to know how it felt to called him “baby” again. Another silence protruded the scene, and I felt a few tears gathering at the back of my eyeballs. “Shayne, mahal pa rin kita..” He leaned towards me and pulled my chin closer to his. I smelled his breathe …. I always loved that scent. I knew he wore the same perfume. The same Michael I fell in love with was right in front of me…. Practically begging me to love him again. His lips were an inch away from mine but I pulled away. My heart was beating faster that I thought he hear it. He pulled me closer again, but this time I won’t budge. I gather my books and school things and tried to regain composure. But then again I stayed in my seat.
He sighed…heavily. I sensed regret, denial, frustration, and a hint of anger in that sigh. Another odd silence connected us both. I waited a year for another kiss from Michael’s lips, but I let my pride take away the moment from me.
He resigned. “ Shayne….. I understand…. Alam ko naming wala na tayong pag-asa, at alam ko na rin na ayaw mo narin sakin dahil sa ginawa ko dati. Alam kong hindi mo na ko mahal, at hindi mo na ko mamahalin kahit sa paglipas ng panahon. Hindi kita masisisi. Karapatan mo naman siguro na palitan ako. Sino ba naman ako para magpumilit? I don’t deserve you. You’re more than a woman to me, but I have to face the consequencesof what I’ve done to you. I will have to live with that forever. Shayne…..kami pa rin ni Michelle..”
I thought my eyes were already bulging out of their sockets. Michael and Michelle, together all this time? The tears felt like raindrops all over my face. I didn’t bother to wipe them off. He continued.” Naging kami nung nawala ka sakin. Pinilit kong mahalin cyan a parang ikaw dati....pero hanging ngayon… Shayne… I’m sorry…” The night’s silence was too disturbing to contain. I felt a thousand of pair eyes around me, watching us cry like children. It was enough that he cheated and made me look like a fool. But telling me that he spent the previous year with Michelle while in fact he wanted me to love him again was simply preposterous. I took my bag, opened the door. I did it as slowly as I could so as not to show any emotion at all. And that was the truth – I didn’t feel anything in my heart that instance. I pulled my keys, opened the gate, and took a deep breath. “This has been a long day,” I told myself. The gate was half-closed when I heard him say something. “What?” I called back. He had his eyes fixed on me. I’ve never seen Michael’s eyes like that before. His eyes were full of grief, so full of disappointment. I also felt despair and rejection in the way he stared at me. I opened the gate again went out in the cold towards him. Michael opened the window of the car so he could see me more clearly. I bowed a little, just enough to touch his face. I pulled him closer…and kissed his lips. I waited a year to taste his lips again… I deserved it. The kiss lasted forever, the tears flowing freely. I stopped and looked at him. I sighed more heavily than he did earlier, and whispered with all the strength left in me, “Michael…I wanna move on…”
With that I took a few steps back and intently glued my eyes on his. I wanted him to feel that I loved him still… but the love was not enough to make me open the doors of my heart again. I knew that after what happened between us, I wouldn’t have the courage to move on with my life. After what he did, I’ve never felt welcomed in anyone’s heart anymore. All I wanted was to be with him again, but at this point that’s impossible. His eyes were now troubled… with the thought of finally letting me go.
I looked at him for the last time – his white car, crumpled hair, and stripped polo shirt…and closed the gate behind me. It was time to say goodbye. Behind I stood still for several minutes and heard the car engine rouse. The tears flowed again as the car drove farther and farther away until I didn’t hear anything anymore. I fell down on my knees and covered my face with my hands. The feeling was all too unbearable…But I wanna move on…I did wanna move on to a new life … A new life…Where Michael can NEVER be a part of….Never.
oOo
A very very sad story. :[
It's been a pretty long time since I last posted. But I promise that I'll update my blog more every now and then.
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