Teenage Drama Queen

I’m a sucker for mushy things, but not everyone knows it. They think that my heart is made of steel and that I’m not capable of loving anyone. Just because I sneer all the time and that I look like a ragamuffin child doesn’t mean that I’m an ignorant of love’s existence. I’m a self-confessed love junkie who loves to be in love yet always gets her heart broken.

As long as I could remember, I was always fat. People would point at me and say “pinabayaan sa kusina” and I would get pissed off. At first I would cry, but eventually I got used to it. And then I said to myself, I would never let anyone put me down. And after that, whenever someone would call me “Pig!” that child would go home with a black eye while crying his or her heart out. And that thing went on and on for years until one day my Home Economics teacher told us that in order to be called emotionally matured, you should think before you act and wouldn’t be affected by what others say of you. So yeah, I tried to ignore their mocking and I succeeded, I think

I thought that was the end of it. But I was wrong, teenage life can be pretty drastic if you’re an ugly fat kid like me.

Yeah, I know I’m not pretty. Everyone says so. But I don’t care, I really don’t care. Who cares anyway? But that doesn’t mean that they can take my love for granted. How many times had I cried because of some stupid crushes? How many times had I cried because I realized that nobody will (uh!) love me, that nobody will love a big fat ugly loser? But hey, that was all in the past now. I’ve learned my lesson, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So what if I’m not pretty? So what if I can’t live up to your expectations? I just realized it now; nobody has the right to hurt me emotionally or physically.

But then, someone entered the scene. At first I thought he was different from the rest, but hey, boys will always be boys. In the beginning he pretended that he loved me, that he truly cared for me, but I hoped too much. Everything was just a lie. But that didn’t stop me from loving him.

Sometimes, I want to hit myself for wanting this certain someone so much I agreed to be his toy. And most of the time, I tried to stop self-pitying. Self-pitying will get me nowhere. Now I kept telling everyone that I have plenty of crushes but the truth is, I may have a battalion of crushes, only one person can make me lose control of myself. That the mere touch of him can ignite the strongest flame and can make me forget all inhibitions.

That someone is my Zahir, my obsession. He’s everywhere, and I’m jailed by his memories. I want to be over him but I don’t know how. He’s always there, when I wake up in the morning and whenever I close my eyes every night. Why can’t he love me? Why does he only see me as a toy? Am I not worth loving? Too many unanswered questions.

Words are not enough to express what I feel. I’m a little mixed up and it’s actually making me crazy. I see him every now and then and it’s killing me slowly how he pretends that he doesn’t know me. I want to cry, but I can’t. It isn’t right.

Big girls don’t cry.